My tears for you

This poem is written for the lord my God. Although i cannot feel him, but i know he is still there waiting for me to call upon his name. What i have written in this poem, will show how much i really want to feel God and also my personal struggles and the things i am holding back in my life.

I write this song becasue this is the first time in service i could feel God, i can sense that he know all my everything in my life and he want to help me to change. So I was very touched by what God wants to do in life. Therefore, i couldn't hold back my tears, so i cried it out.
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My Tears For You

All of my days, i cannot feel you,
All of my days, i am drained,
All of my days, i wanted to give up,
All of my days, i held back.

Where are you my lord,
Can you feel my heartbeat,
I am feeling unloved, negelected and taken for granted,
Still i hold on to that feelings, refuse to let go.

I denied myself,
I lied to myself,
I cover up myself,
to make myself think that you love me.

I wanted to hold on to my feelings,
I wanted someone to notice,
I wanted them to see how i actually feeling,
But they just don't get it.

Till so long, the pain and weight,
Pull my heart down,
making it harden.
The unwillingness of letting it go.

Many times i care for people,
They just say thank you, the next moment they forget about me.
Some even just say that they don't need my care.
Some will dig my care just to fill themselves up.

Upon knowing that, i hide my feeling.
I lied to myself, that i am not hurt.
I still said, 'its ok'.
I still showed a smile to them.

When acutally,
blades of knifes and sharp swords penterate,
Acids and salt is added into the wounds,
high pressure is induced into my core of my heart.

This is how i feel.

But after responding to you,
I poured out to you,
you have changed my heart,
you took away my pain and hurt.

I was so moved,
I was so touched.
My eyes watered,
Tears slowly flowed down.

My harden heart, was soften.
My pain heart, was taken away.
My wounded heart, was healed.
My God, I really thank you.
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Touched, moved and fragail heart

2 weeks in Nee Ann Poly

Well as you all know i am in nursing in Nee Ann and i though that nursing is easy to study. In fact, it is not. I therefore challange all my secondary schoolmates to take up nursing course and see how tough it is.

Basically, many things happen but i shall not disclose it as there is too much, i shall jump to important points.

During this week, i followed up kelvin Toh. Well, i teach him the teaching in a informal way because i don't want to make the teaching a boring thing but a intresting and learnable manner. Well, i was quite happy about that he share some of his weaknesses to me, but his attutide towards the teaching was like no attentive, like wanting to end the lesson quickly.

Well that discourages me a lot. But, i don't want to judge him.

Then i also meet my sheep, Rayiant, i am so proud of him that the manage to lead roles in Care Groups. Well the told me that this is the first time he lead holy com. After hearing that, i was overjoyed and glad that after for so long he finally got a chance to lead a spiritual stuff. Well although, he had many misunderstanding of the Holy com. But at least during sherperding i thought him the basics of holy com. Then he clarfied his doubts with me. Really happy to see him growing in the lord faithfully.

Besides that, during school time, i only know a little bit of friends, i was so sad and discouraged, then God gave me strength and courage to make more friends. I have made about 4 friends in my Lecture 2 groups, but with the addition of girls, about 15+ people i know in my lecture group. But the one thing i was very discourage about is that, i did not get anyone to go for the urban groove 2.

Never mind, God will make a way for me. All i need is put my trust in him.

Really hope to see kelvin Toh's attuide toward me change, i just feel like i cannot get close to him, even if i do i only get into the surface. God, what can i do please help me. I really care for him but why he kind of like reject my care for him?

Stressed up.

What i thought of you

With a dryful heart i came,
to seek you,
but you make me wait,
you never fail me.

Your holy water cooled me,
from a dry and weary land.
My heart is fill with joy and peace,
Your security and love.

Everytime i have failed you,
guilt is there.
But instead of condemning me,
you forgive me.

What can i say to you,
to even thank you,
what can i say to you,
to even repay you.

But what i can do,
is to spread your love,
to love your children,
to do your great will.

Am i with man or with God?

Am i serving man or God?
Am i happy with the things i have done?
Becasue people recongise me,
or is it becasue of God.

Do i really love God or love man?
for man is harder to love than God.

Doubtfulness

Well as just now, as i talk to Zhi Qiang on msn, i asked him what he had learn during service. Then the told me, that he had learn something. Then i asked him so how do you apply the thing you have learn then he asked me to tell him how can he apply into his life. I was thinking, i am not you, how can i tell you.

The next moment, the said that he said that he finds both the application and learning point is illustrated what he had learn. Then i just want to remind him that. Learning is one thing and i means that you have this certain knowledge, but application is another thing which means you have wisdom to knowing when and how to apply the knowledge that you actually have learn.

In my mind i was like i accept that true there is application point in the learning point. Then i continued to ask him that the learn something else today. He told me that, he have to do something now so cannot share. I said, ( is up to you lah). I know it sounds angry to you, but you must know that its my way of expressing. Besides, since you said that, i will take not and change it for the better thanks.

But, i hope that you can also change, please take note also that i am trying to help you evalute yourself and your learnings during the teaching. Even though i am not your sheperd, but i still ask you becasue i want to help you grow in God, but instead you make me doubt myself.

You make me think that my message did not get across, you make me think that i cannot stand upright when i am a correcting you, you make me think that i am angry when you said that i am angry ( when i am actually not).

See you are making me doubting so much of myself. Just to remind you that i am not condemning you but you let you see how you have affected me so much.

About Jolene Tan Qi Ying

Initial Impression

Well thought that you was quiet, those study very hard kind. But, during the camp see you talking so much, i have no choice but to say Chatterbox. Its really true, i know that you are a person who have lots of common topic to talk about. As soon as i know that you are my sheepmate, really want to know you better since we are in the same school.

Emotional Impression

Well not close to you, so cannot say much about that, but i will take out sometime to explore your emotional needs.

Spiritual Impression

Thinking that you are stong in faith, but you know say some spiritual stuff, so that you can minster to differnt people at times that you don't even know. Besides, also will take sometime out to explore your spiritual needs.

Affirmation

Really thank God that you are in my CG and course, becasue i have been praying for it quite sometime that i am worried that i cannot relate with the people there at nursing. But, God assured me that he will send help for me and you are the help and the encouragement that God had given to me so as to spur my consuming fire for God for people. Really thanks.

What am i going to do next

Well i might call you someday and talk to you for a long long long duration so as to know you better, beside i might help you spiritually unknowingly. Should be 2 times a week.
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Really hope that you don't mind me doing that.

Today at Nee Ann Poly

This morning my shepherd, Zejun wake me up by calling my house at around 5am. Well right now i am feeling very tired. But, beacause i prayed to God that i need strength before i go out so how all thought i feeling physically tired but i am spiritually strengthen. Really want to thank god for that.

Besides, I really want to affirm my shepherd, Zejun that she use her printer to print out all the forms. As in like, who is willing to scarfice the printer ink. Really, i think i got to be more scarficial then before then God will pour more blessing upon my CG NP3 and my own spiritual life.

Then, when i reach the school, i walked around the school unfortunately not all but at least the half of the school. Then, my shepherd came with josephine and the other girl (sorry i don't know how to spell your name). We start off by praying that we will get much responsive fruits from the freshman and it did. I think basically God never fails us, he never forsake what we prayed, is up to us to believe it will be blessed by God or not.

then after 1 hour of doing those forms, josephine when to buy food and eat initially i want to give her my bread but she don't want, well its ok. Then we when to photocopy even more forms for the 4 to 6pm evanglising. Next, Vincent came with a super tired face. Well hope that he is ready for the later event.

Today's prayer:
I pray that, the lord will bless this NP group that there will be growth so that many people will be save by your grace. I pray that the people at NP will have the heart to really SOW on pontential people and lord please them with a willingful heart and a ready heart to do your work. AMEN.

New Shepherd and Sheepmate

Today, very early in the morning, i took my dad's car to my new school Nee Ann Poly, then i walk toward LT 21 then i sat at the nearby bench reading a book called The Power Of A Praying Teen written by Stormie Omartian. I was so surprise that in such a short 30mins time i can read 2 chapters of the book.

Well i learn so much from the book today.

Well really must thank God that althought my shepherd was very tired, she still come and meet me. So touched. I hope that you have learn much during your meeting. Besides, i hope that you enjoyed the ice-cream and the fellowship too.

On top of that, i really can see my sheepmate heart to come and fellowship with us but she can't physically. Really Pray that God will heal her so that she can fellowship with me and shepherd, plus i can know her more in depth in terms of spiritually and emotionally.

Today i think my day is wisely spent, reading so much and it was like donkey years that i have done that. Learn so much things from the books and the word of God.

Thank God for ZeJun (mummy) and Jolene (sheepmate) for spenting their time with me amen.

Come give me strength

My lord i have changed,
I feel that i am tired ,
For changing myself,
I want to change to my old self.

Lord i know i can't,
for you are moulding me,
Give me the strength to continue,
give me strength.

So i can continue the race,
of saving lifes for you,
I wish to stop doing this,
But i know i can't.

You have a great plan for me,
In my life,
your light is going to shine,
With great faith i believe.

So lord come give me strength,
Come give me the strength that i need,
I will humbly recieve with joy,
I will be flameboyant and powered by your strength.

A Talk With My New Shepherd

Well today at around 1+ I called my new shepherd ZeJun and talk to her. We talk about so many things from the service to what God's plan for us. Well, i was so shocked that my new shepherd asked my how i think if her. But, i just truthfully answer how i thought of my new shepherd.

I think my shepherd and I enjoyed talking to each other. At least my new shepherd know how to lame with me and she affirm me of my good points. ( so touched yay haha). Although i never manage to say all her good points as i don't know my shepherd that well yet, I really hope that she also can feel appericated by me.

Then we come to a point that, after we poineeer nursing, we will go to a hospital and work. Then i sort of want to change the hospital culture by entertaining everyone and even to the extent of changing the hospital name to Hahaha hospital (not lame). Where by everyone will be happy and cheerful when they see each other everyone will hahaha to everyone and everyone will be happy.

Next is that to buy a 10000 X 10000 sq feet land space to build hope hospital and IR hope. With many things inside like Church service, Hope hospital, Church office and many more things inside.

As me and my new shepherd dwell amoung this, i can really have this vision that it will come to past. So thats why i ask my new shepherd to stop dwelling it, as if it come true, i am very scared that i cannot take the amount of responsiblility.

But, i prayed to the lord
IF you want this to happen, go ahead, show me signs and wounders about it to make me believe it and i will do your will in any way that it shall be achieve for the lord. AMEN.

then i ask my new shepherd, she wanted to sleep as it is 4+ am well then after that i when to sleep too, really having a enjoyable time talking to my new shepherd.

Thank God

spiritual giftings

Score
Graph of Score
Spiritual Gift
Statement / Response
25
==========================
Poverty
22 = 5
50 = 5
78 = 5
106 = 5
134 = 5
23
========================
Missionary
19 = 5
47 = 5
75 = 5
103 = 5
131 = 3
23
========================
Craftsmanship
4 = 5
32 = 5
60 = 5
88 = 3
116 = 5
23
========================
Hospitality
13 = 5
41 = 5
69 = 5
97 = 5
125 = 3
23
========================
Encouragement
6 = 3
34 = 5
62 = 5
90 = 5
118 = 5
21
======================

My Lovely shepherd

Today at i meet my shepherd at 1pm in the afternoon, we ate at BK. Then my sheperd like act blur refuse to tell me who my actual sheperd is but in the end she told me. Then after that we talk some spiritual stuff and our different charater in life.

I think its during this time i know my shepherd more. But i really want to see my shepherd serious and sharing more of her life to me. Becasue since she is so packed up with 4 sheeps including me and a Care Group, i want to be her support as well as her sheep.

So that when she is too stressed up or what, at least i can help her with God annointment. Amen. One most important i want to help is hype up the CG NP3 becasue i really cannot take it that God's people are so quiet. They must shout praise God to the fullest. AMEN

So my dear shepherd( ZeJun) you must also be high ok? Because at times i find that you also quite quiet for no reason.

But really thank God for you that you are actually so patient to me about my jokes and lameness. If you think that i need to change in this area, just tell me ok? I want to grow in the lord more and more and more.

NP3 look out for more handsome Guys and God's crazy Guys. AMEN.

My trust in you

Many times i have failed you,
your grace is still there.
Many times i choose to leave you,
your grace is still there.

How much you trust me,
Is not how much i trust you.
At times you have the best plans for you.
But I just don't listen to you.

At the end, i suffered.
Instead of scolding me,
you comforted me,
Try to reason and explain to me.

Although i am not willing to listen to you,
But you always give me visions of what will i experience.
What else can i say God,
You are the person whom understands me the most.

So i decied to put my full trust in you,
I pray that you can use me,
Fill me, mould me,
into the person that you want me to me. Amen.

My NP friends (CG mates)

Ming kuang - harry potter
Vincent - handsome
Augustine -
ZeJun - mummy
Josephine - nemo/others
ZhiGe - ice-cream(sorry)
Felica - Fel
Gary Mok - mokky
ZiJie - singer
Miao Wen -
Cindy(Big) -
Cindy(small) -
XuePing - flat snow

i think thats all hahax